i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
someone owes me an orgasm
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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