He felt like a one man threesome
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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