Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
