When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?