I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
