Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
