Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
