If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
