my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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