Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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