I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No I am not eating basil off your cock
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
