The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
