How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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