I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
