Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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