FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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