You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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