My hand turned me down
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
