Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
