Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
