Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
