apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
