we have pet lesbian snakes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
