I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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