I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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