you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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