I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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