...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
