UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
