I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
