I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
