The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
