The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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