Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
