he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
