And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
