What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
