If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
