How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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