you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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