genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
