If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
