Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
