the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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