apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
