I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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