i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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