you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
