Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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