I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
