you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
