He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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