We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
