Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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