remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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