Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
