I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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